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Let Go of a Grudge! 4 Tips to get started Today

It's time to cover yet another challenge we all seem to battle: holding on to grudges. Now most grudges are constructed in order to help us cope with being wronged, but why do we tend to hold on to them longer than we'd like to? Before we cross that bridge, it's important to know why we hold on to grudges. Here are a few common reasons:

Protection. Sometimes we have an unconscious belief that holding onto resentment from a former problem will protect you from ever being taken advantage of in the future. But its actually counterproductive and prevents you from learning from experiences.

Revenge. People sometimes feel that if they let go of the anger or resentment too quickly that the other person is getting off too easily. But holding on to a grudge allows someone else's behavior and actions affect your happiness.

Fear. We fear that if we let go of what hurt us, it will only happen again. And if we forgive the person that hurt us they will only do it again.

Need closure. A lot of times it's hard for people to let go of events or situations because there’s no resolution to it. They may feel like they need an apology or answers in order to move on.

Even though most of us would never deliberately wish harm or bad fortune on another person, it’s sometimes difficult to loosen the grip we have on our negative thoughts. Negative energies, even just being in a bad mood, tend to exhibit through ones body language and tone of voice. This just goes to show that holding grudges isn't just toxic for the mind in which it resides in, but to those around you as well. Here's a few tips on how to get let go of grudges.

How to let go of Grudges?

Acknowledge what took place. Acknowledge your hurt feelings and the situation itself. Bringing the issues to light is very important if you want to truly let the situation go. Trying to “brush it under the rug” will only hurt you and prevent you from processing your emotions.

Step into his or her shoes. Looking at the situation from the other persons point of view may help you understand. Its important to view the situation from their perspective to see what their intentions were and try understand where they are coming from. Sometimes people who have grown up in a lot of pain and anger will exhibit those characteristics and it has nothing to do with you or your friendship.

Choose to commit to forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t really have to do with the other person as much as it has to do with you. Forgiving the other person means your just letting the past be the past and not carrying the ill feelings with you. It does not mean that you will allow what happened to repeat itself it just means you are willing to let it go for yourself. During this process say it aloud, either to yourself or to whoever involved because verbalizing it makes it an action and will make it “real” in your brain.

Move on. Once you have forgave the incident, don't dwell on it. Don't go back and think of what-if situations. Just allow the situation to be what it is and move forward. You can't change a situation by living in the past, focus your energy on building your future.

What would it be like to live in a world where we wished well upon everyone, even those who have done wrong to us? While some see it as perhaps science fiction, others see it as a movement that begins, and perpetuates, with each and every one of us. I, personally, am inclined to firmly believe in the latter, as a world filled with love and compassion seems like a much more appealing place to live than one ran by vengeance and greed. So let go of the vengeful malicious intent, abandon the negative thoughts and adopt a much healthier lifestyle and mindset.

Have faith. Stay focused. Remember to breath.

Emotional Mojo Talk Show RECAP:

Benefits of Letting Go of a Grudge

Healthier relationships
Stronger emotional wellbeing
Minimize anxiety and depression
Lower your blood pressure
Lower risk of addictive behaviors

How do we let go of Grudges?

ACKNOWLEDGE what took place. (be honest with yourself)

STEP into HIS or HER shoes. (can you see the other side?)

Choose to COMMIT to forgiveness (for yourself)

MOVE ON. (an intentional action)

One thing to do today: CHOOSE one person and see if you can put yourself in their shoes to embrace empathy.

 

Authors: Jada Jackson LMHC, Danielle James and Ricardo Mogo (Interns)

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Block Your Haters! - 5 Simple Tips to Get Over Your Haters

Block Your Haters! - 5 Simple Tips to Get Over Your Haters

No matter how well you're doing, you just can't seem to get everyone on your side. There's always a Debbie Downer looming around the corner, a Negative Nancy ready to rain on your parade or a Pessimistic Patty with a few less-than kind words at her disposal. Now trust me, I'm not by any means new to Haters and their 'Haterade', but there's only so much a person can take! If you've got haters in your vicinity and are having a tough time finding the right way to deal with them, well you've come to the right place!

You can handle your haters by following these simple tips–

1. Knowing who you are:

Out of all the people you'll ever come in-contact with, you spend the most time with yourself, so shouldn't you enjoy your own company? Become acquainted with who you are and what you stand for, as this will better your understanding of yourself and help mold the foundation to which you can properly defend against all those haters out there! Also, identify your standards and abide by them as this will help secure a firm grip on your reality.

2. Surround yourself with positive and uplifting people:

Probably a no-brainer but, the best way to handle your haters is to eliminate them! Don't allow someone the honor of being around you if they don't have your best interest at heart. Trust me, the right people (those who are meant to be a part of your life) will support your endeavors, raise your spirits and rejoice in your victories.

3. Set achievable short/long term goals:

Setting goals for yourself is not only a good way to keep yourself productive, but it also plays a hand in how satisfied you are with your life. It's been shown that those who set goals (both long or short-term) and consequently achieve them, have a fuller and more positive outlook on life. You'll see that constructing and reaching your goals will add a sense of purpose to your life and will really help center yourself around al that works for you which will ultimately eliminate all that doesn't.

4. Love yourself:

Be your own biggest fan! Need a point of reference? Love yourself as much as Kanye loves Kanye. In all seriousness, learn to love and accept your strengths as well as your weaknesses. Give credit where credit is due;there's nothing wrong with patting yourself on the back after a personal achievement

5. Keep in mind that you don't live for anyone elses approval but your own:

Once you stop living for other people, you'll see that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Not having a bar set to an unachievable height will greatly reduce your stress levels, but keep in mind that this doesn't mean not to set your own bar high, just means your point of reference should be nobody but yourself.

Follow these steps and you'll see that you will gradually grow apart from the Negative Nancy's of the world and a new breed of Uplifting Ursula's (I gave it my best shot) will gravitate to you. Also, don't impose yourself on a Hater, after all a Hater's job is to Hate, so let them do their job! If you happen to notice that people are slowly drifting away, don't feel discouraged Keep these tips in mind next time you're feeling overwhelmed or defeated by a hater and remember that people in this world aren't against you, they're simply for themselves.

 

Emotional Mojo Show Recap: Additional Tips

What are “haters?” People that are:

·      Critical

·      Negative

·      Destructive

·      In pursuit of what you have or want what you have

·      Green eyed monsters

·      Unsatisfied with their own lives

·      Miserable

 

How to Block the Haters:

-Kill ‘em with kindness

- Laugh at them 

 -Ignore them

-BLOCK them

-Surround yourself with POSITIVE people

One thing to do today: ENLIST an accountability partner to discuss the haters and choose to IGNORE them!


Authors: Jada Jackson LMHC and Ricardo Mojo, Intern

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Bullying, Hazing, Mobbing: What's the difference?

Bullying, Hazing, Mobbing: What's the difference?

What is hazing? “The imposition of strenuous, often humiliating, tasks as part of a program of rigorous physical training and initiation.” Or, “Humiliating and sometimes dangerous initiation rituals, especially as imposed on college students seeking membership to a fraternity or sorority.”

What is bullying? “An Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.” Or, “Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.”

What is Mobbing? “When a group of people (friends, family, team, coworkers, social media or online) bully an individual person.”

What the difference between the three? Not much because they are all infractions against the protection and well being of the victim.

A New Jersey high school cancelled the remaining football season due to a hazing incident. The school superintendent for the Sayreville War Memorial High School, along with a unanimous vote of the school board, decided that the alleged bullying incident was serious enough to punish the team (and all students) by cancelling the season.

The brutal hazing and bullying became commonplace in the locker room after practice, according to a parent of a freshman football player. According to NJ Advance Media, “It would start with a howling noise from a senior football player at Sayreville War Memorial High School, and then the locker room lights were abruptly shut off. In the darkness, a freshman football player would be pinned to the locker-room floor, his arms and feet held down by multiple upperclassmen. Then, the victim would be lifted to his feet while a finger was forced into his rectum. Sometimes, the same finger was then shoved into the freshman player’s mouth.”

Could this be considered a criminal act? Well, the school board president, Kevin Ciak that there is an ongoing investigation and the assistant prosecutor stated that the crimes are sexual in nature with the possibility of a first-degree charge.

So, how can parents and schools protect children from bullying, hazing and/or mobbing? Here are tips to help:

EDUCATE: It is important to educate students, parents and the community about the seriousness of bullying. There are various forms of bullying and oftentimes it is difficult to identify the source of the violation. Talking about the types of bullying (Physical, Emotional/Relational, Cyber/Online, Verbal) may help identify an attack easier. Remember, even older children are at risk for bully attacks.

ENCOURAGE: It is necessary to encourage your child to talk to someone they can trust if they are being bullied. Oftentimes the victim may experience an extreme sense of shame, however, be alert to changes in your child’s behavior. Here are symptoms to look for: isolation/withdrawal, sadness, irritability, changes in eating or sleeping habits, fear of going to certain places, unexplained injuries, loss of friends, somatic symptoms.

SUPPORT: Remember, many victims of bullying may not seek help because they believe it may make the situation worse. Therefore, provide an alliance for the victim and discuss ways you can help without making things worse. The victim may fear a greater retaliation if adults get involved. A strategy must be put in place to protect the victim, advocate for the victim and support the victim without causing additional harm.

The Sayreville War Memorial High School football season was cancelled and it is unfortunate that the innocent had to pay the price with the guilty. However, the superintendent made a decision to protect the victims of what appears to be a serious crime, and with the act of moral responsibility comes collateral damage. A strong “zero tolerance” message was sent to those that believed that bullying, hazing, and/or mobbing were acceptable.

 

Sincerely Be-You-Tiful,

Jada Jackson, M.S., M.A., LMHC, NCC

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Talk Show Host of Emotional Mojo

Author of Be-You-Tiful: The Threefold Process to Becoming You

Blogger and Author of Jada Jackson: My Story, My Life

jadajackson.com

 

 

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Jada's Laws of Femininity | Law #1 and #2 | Jada Jackson LMHC

Laws of Femininity: Reclaiming the Proverbs 31 Woman

“I will NOT marry a MAN!!!” he screamed at me. I didn’t know what he was talking about. I didn’t quite understand why he called me a MAN. “Really? I am ALL woman!” I screamed back. It was the first time I was confronted with my dominating, aggressive and controlling personality. I needed to be in control because I knew what was best. My ex-fiancé needed a woman that was less dominant, less aggressive and less controlling. He wanted someone to be quiet and agree with everything he said. He wanted me to be a cute little black Barbie Doll and only speak when spoken to. Well, I wasn’t having that! It caused extreme conflict in our relationship and his favorite description of me was, “You don’t RESPECT me.” Oh, here we go, the “R” word. I didn’t respect him because I realized that throwing money and things at me didn’t resolve conflict it just swept the problems under the rug. Well, I wanted to talk, and plan, and strategize, and resolve the conflict. He didn’t. He wanted me to pretend nothing ever happened. To this behavior, I became defiant, enraged, controlling, dominant and aggressive. After a long relationship of this conflict, he concluded that there were two men in the relationship. Hmmm, ok so I had some self-evaluating to do.

The relationship was terminated, the wedding called off and we’ve gone our separate ways. However, being the researcher and therapist that I am, I needed to explore the “I will NOT marry a MAN” statement. Clearly, he did not think I was a MAN, but the traits and characteristics of dominance, aggression and control are more masculine than feminine. With this new-found revelation, I took to streets to find out what other powerful, professional women had to say about balancing feminine and masculine traits in a male dominated workforce and in relationships.

When asked how others described them in one word, these professional women said:

1)            Bitchy

2)            Dominant

3)            Bossy

4)            Confrontational

5)            Petty

6)            Overbearing

7)            Angry

8)            Cold

9)            Crazy

10)         Selfish

11)         Hormonal

12)         Pushy

13)         Independent

14)         High Maintenance

15)         Uptight/Intense

It was my comparison to being a MAN that sent me on a self-reflective excursion to find the sensuality of my feminine side, while wholeheartedly embracing my masculine strength. I couldn’t consider giving up my man-power because it was that dominance, aggression and control that has given me a successful edge in my career; but, it completely destroys my relationships. So, here is a hard, honest look at the facts and a few Laws of femininity that will add balance to our lives in the 21st Century.

When the word feminism emerged during a series of events, movements and ideologies that challenged the unequal rights of women, it was then that the dichotomous struggle of the masculine/feminine emerged. We fought for equality and gained rights that would significantly alter the male-female relationship in the home, the workplace and the world. Equal employment and educational opportunities pushed women to become competitors instead of stay-at-home mothers and homemakers.

After researching a variety of traits of a "competitor" here are some of the finds: driven, confident, achiever, strong, debater, stubborn, arrogant and aggressive. The idea of a woman embracing these traits prior to the feminist movements was virtually unheard of. Understanding a woman’s role in today’s society is somewhat complicated since the traditional family structure has shifted and women are oftentimes the head of household or supporting a single-parent home.

Nevertheless, it is the struggle of every woman to find a happy medium between feminine and masculine traits, while refusing to give up our power simply because we are in relationships where men are threatened by a powerful, professional woman. Remember, there is nothing wrong with being a powerful woman, as Proverbs 31:17 says, “She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.” Our strength is necessary, but how we use that strength may become counter-productive if used to dominate our spouses and partners. The strength given to a woman is to assist a man in a task rather than taking over the task.

So, I’ve become committed to learning to find this balance for the sake of a healthy intimate relationship. Here are my Laws of Femininity.

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LAW OF FEMININITY #1

Refrain from GOSSIP and DRAMA—With the social media information platforms streaming messaging at an all time high, it is easy to get trapped in the black hole of gossip or the abyss of everyday life drama. We are a thriving culture that subscribes to negative information and hunger for the next wave of gossip. Whether it is focused on our neighbor or coworker or hottest entertainers, oftentimes we can’t get enough.

You’ve heard the saying, “What goes around, comes around.” Well, the same is true for gossip. Remember, a dog that brings a bone carries a bone. With a daily surge of information and a peak into the lives of millions through social media, we are often tempted to spend hours perusing posts, tweets, pics and media messages to give us an information-fix.

The information highway is dangerous and tricky to navigate when attempting to remain focused on personal growth and development. Proverbs 31:26 says, “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.” Gossip and drama are the opposite of wisdom and kindness.

Call to Action #1: Your call to action is to Disconnect for 30 days. I am challenging you to commit to minimal social media engagement and consciously refraining from negative talk. Negative talk may be defined as gossip, strong arguing, confrontational discussions, and/or emotional/passionate conversations. I challenge you to use your kind language to win over your spouse, partner, coworker, child or parent. Take time to reconnect with your feminine, sensual nature.

If you are willing to take on the challenge (even if just for a few days), let me know! I’d love to celebrate your commitment to becoming a better YOU!

LAW OF FEMININITY #2

Know the power of your smile. Soft, gentle and feminine are the traits of a powerful woman. Underneath a kind smile lies the power and strength of a lioness. The smile of a women is feminine in nature and influential in relationships…ALL relationships. A simple smile can change a tense moment into a relaxed moment. A smile can shift the environment. Scientifically speaking, a smile can change our brains and our mood. Additionally, a genuine smile will boost your immune system, relax your body, and even lower your heart rate. If you take the first step to flash that gorgeous smile, you can trick your brain into believing you are happy as serotonin is released into the brain to really make you feel happy! Other chemicals released into the brain when you smile are endorphins. Smiling send endorphins into the brain and then lowers your blood pressure. Finally, an important fact to flashing that amazing Proverbs 31 Woman smile is that a smile stimulates happy emotions equivalent to eating chocolate!

I LOVE chocolate and if I can get the same feeling as indulging in a bar of chocolate without the calories, I’m all about it! So, I began a small, personal study to see if smiling REALLY works. The short answer is: YES. Everyday for the past 90 days, I’ve consciously smiled at neighbors, coworkers and strangers. So, how do I know it worked? My supervisor stepped into my office and said, “Jada, you seem happier. What’s different?” Two coworkers also pulled me aside and said, “Jada, you’re happier lately.” Finally, my mother said, “Jada, I love the new you and you are definitely happy.”

Call to Action #2: Your challenge today is to CONSCIOUSLY smile every time you think about it. For the next 30 days, practice smiling and being kind to those in your immediate environment. Remember, you have the power to change your environment and to shift the atmosphere. So, just do it!

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Sincerely Be-You-Tiful,


Jada Jackson, LMHC

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Talk Show Host of Emotional Mojo

Author of Be-You-Tiful: The Threefold Process to Becoming You

Blogger and Author of Jada Jackson: My Story, My Life


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Jada Jackson: My Story, My Life | Jada Jackson LMHC

Hello Ladies,

My name is Jada. I am going to assume that most of you do not know me, so I will take a short moment to introduce myself and the reason I've decided to share my story and begin this blog during my birthday month.  I'm blessed and I thank God for my journey. I've learned a lot over the years and I want to take the time to share my story and experiences.  I've healed and overcome great pain to share the wisdom I've gathered over the years. (If you are reading this post anytime AFTER  July 2014, that means I didn't quite have the courage to release the first blog post when I originally wrote it in July).

If you are in your 20s or younger, I hope this blog will encourage you to make healthy relationship and career decisions; and I pray you will choose God first! If you are in your 30s or 40s, I hope this blog will encourage you grow in God's grace and mercy because I'm sure you are NOT perfect and you've made some costly mistakes. Unfortunately, my mistakes have cost me my youth, my finances, my time and myself. Today's blog is about me; other posts will discuss my journey, my mistakes and my lessons. Furthermore, I have wise and educated friends that will chime in with their stories to encourage you to toward ultimate success! Most of all, this blog is about us...women...the backbone of our families, our nation and our world. Here's my story.

Five years ago I lost everything! My career, my marriage, my hopes & dreams, and most of all MYSELF. I've been blessed with significant gifts and talents in the areas of academia and public speaking...but, for some reason I'd lost my passion to thrive. That was five years ago and today I'M BACK and I pray my vulnerability will inspire you to be the best you can be despite life's complexities.

 

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For the sake of time, I will begin my story after years of living in domestic violent environment and molestation. ALL MY LIFE I HAD TO FIGHT (Color Purple shout out...giggle)! All of my life I had to fight off MEN! I watched my mother get beaten with a broom, thrown down stairs and hit constantly. I watched men abuse their girlfriends and wives. I watch men show unbelievable disrespect toward women and I thought it was normal. From physical abuse to verbal abuse (and everything between), I was groomed to accept less from men and more significantly less from MYSELF.

Why is this part of my story so important and why did I begin here? I started with domestic violence and molestation because after countless failed relationships and a failed 10 year marriage, I've concluded I AM THE PROBLEM! But before I take responsibility for my part in the failed relationships, I must say that I do NOT and will NOT condone certain behaviors that consist of physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse, sexual identity confusion, manipulation, womanizing, roving eyes, immaturity and just being down right CRUEL!

So, now that I've got that out of my system, I will say that I've been challenged to LOOK AT ME! The reason? Well, if I'm honest, I struggle with TRUST issues. With that said, I will take responsibility for my part in the conflict of failed relationships. I contributed significantly to my failed relationships and here's what I learned:

1) All or Nothing Thinking (AKA Black or White thinking). This type of thinking has ruined many relationships throughout the generations...mine, too. During months of self-evaluation, I reflected on times that I would say things like:

-You 'ALWAYS' say negative things to me.

-You 'NEVER' remember my birthday or do nice things for me.

-'EVERY' time I call you, you 'NEVER' answer.

The problem with these type of statements is that there is no "between." The reality is that NOTHING is black or white; our lives are painted with beautiful shades of gray and our frustrations are a simple assessment of one's perception and childhood baggage. So, my question to you is, "How much of your frustration and bitterness is a result of your negative perception of the person or the situation?" Self-evaluation is key. Ladies, there is a strong possibility that you are contributing to significant conflict in your relationship. Remember, we must take responsibility for our part in the conflict.

 

2) Overgeneralizing is a faulty thought process that makes BROAD conclusions of a person, event or situation. For me, a series of overgeneralizing statements consisted of the following examples:

-ALL men are abusive

-ALL men are dogs

-ALL men cheat

-ALL men are users and only want sex

I think you get the picture. This is NOT good for your relationship. So, refrain from overgeneralizing and be willing to give your partner a break.

 

3) Distrust is doubting the reliability of another to live up to one's desires or expectations. Well, this is a problem when my expectations were so high that NO ONE could every live up to them. The distrust baggage included every situation I've every encountered with men throughout my life. If you do not trust your partner, I encourage you to consider how much of that distrust is reality and how much of it is fantasy or childhood baggage. In my case, I believe a significant amount of my inability to trust was rooted in unresolved childhood issues that included domestic violence and abuse. Working through these issues was my first step to healing and happiness! Being honest with myself opened the door to ultimate peace and contentment.

Today, I am a Licensed Mental Health Therapist and most of my female clients come to me to help them address unresolved childhood issues. These issues often bleed into current relationships, marriages, career decisions, parenting and self-esteem challenges. Today, I've chosen to be transparent and vulnerable. Yikes! Today, I am happy, healed and free from dysfunctional relationships. In the days to come, I will continue to share personal stories, challenges, dreams and my new relationship (and how I'm intentionally building a healthy intimate relationship).

Please let me know your thoughts about my new blog and chime in on the topics each week! I look forward to you walking with me through this exciting journey!

 

Sincerely Be-You-Tiful,

 

Jada Jackson, LMHC

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Talk Show Host of Emotional Mojo

Author of Be-You-Tiful: The Threefold Process to Becoming You

Blogger and Author of Jada Jackson: My Story, My Life

The Official Facebook Fan Page: Jada Jackson Life Coach

 

 

 

 

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