SELF-CRITICISM: WE ARE OUR OWN WORST CRITIC

The saying, “we are our own worst critic,” could not ring more true to me. I’ve always been harder on myself than anyone else, and it’s very easy for me to find flaws or faults in my actions or appearance. Maybe it’s because I’m a perfectionist and I seek for things to be absolutely the best they can be, or maybe I’m subconsciously trying to make sure I live up to the standards set by society and all of the photo shopped images I see in magazines and on instagram. Whatever the reason, I’ve acknowledged the harm it does, and I want all girls to know that self-criticism does not heal, it does not make us better: it only makes us weaker and more vulnerable to the other critics out there.

Powers et al., state that negative, self-critical, forms of perfectionism are consistently associated with a wide range of negative personality characteristics when studied. This includes impaired functioning, low satisfaction and well-being, and a variety of pathological malfunctions; such as depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorder.

So how do we end the cycle? How do we stop ourselves from always being hesitant about our looks, afraid of disappointing others, and having low confidence due to the fear of not being good enough? The following are some ways to stop being so self-critical, improve your attitude about yourself, and get to feeling better about who you are!

    Make a list of the most common expressions you say or think about yourself: thinks like “I’m so stupid,” “I messed up again,” or “I’m not good enough” are all things to be corrected.

    Change all of the negative statements to something positive. For example, “I am doing my best/did the best I could in that situation,” “Everybody makes mistakes, it is going to be okay.”

    Consciously acknowledge when you are being critical of yourself. Often times we don’t even realize that we are criticizing ourselves, so being vigilant about it is important. If you recognize that you’re doing it, you can make the changes to positivity more easily.

    Repeat your new thoughts, especially when you’re judging yourself, or just feeling down. You can even carry the positive statements around with you on notecards as a handy reminder.

    Tune out the inner voice of criticism: do not accept yourself as someone who beats herself up for not living up to certain standards. That is a dead end that only leads to misery and constant unhappiness. Start today by emphasizing your many good qualities!

Nothing good comes from beating ourselves down and always nitpicking the things we do. The research shows that it only causes harm in the long run. Take control today and get out of the cycle of being self-critical.

About the Author:

Emily is a dual-degree seeking student in psychology and communication disorders, with minors in biomedical sciences and nonprofit management. Emily plans on getting her master’s degree in neuroscience then going to medical school. Emily wants to become a doctor of neurology, specializing in disorders affecting communication.

References:

http://attitudereconstruction.com/2013/11/5-ways-to-stop-being-so-self-critical-2/

http://www.academia.edu/1201857/The_Effects_of_Self-Criticism_and_Self-Oriented_Perfectionism_on_Goal_Pursuit

A "Crazy in Love" Valentine's Day | 3 Tips for a Healthier Relationship

A "Crazy in Love" Valentine's Day | 3 Tips for a Healthier Relationship

Have you ever asked yourself why you put up with certain negative behaviors in a relationship? Have you ever wondered why you couldn’t get a certain person out of your mind?  Well, maybe it has everything to do with YOU and not necessarily them. Maybe we are crazy in love because we are in search of our deepest, most intimate desires in the form of a person. Once we believe we've found that person, we find ourselves lost in the sea of disappointment because our expectations were shattered. Well, whatever your "crazy-in-love" may be, we've all been there!

Remember, most of us are in search of that special someone that we can spend the rest of our lives with and grow old together. Unfortunately, most of us that find ourselves saying, “I do,” also find ourselves saying, “I don’t!” That’s right, over 50% of all marriages end in divorces and dreams are shattered. Lives are changed and hearts are broken when we fail to address our "crazy-in-love" issues; and whether we believe it or not, ALL relationships experience conflict and challenges.

Here are the 3 most common relationship problems and possible solutions.

Communication:

This is the #1 conflict couples have and the basis for many arguments. It results in a lack of understanding that causes even further distance. There is a misconception that poor communication means a lack of verbal dialogue. But it really means that somewhere along the line the conversation has become guarded and there isn’t the openness necessary to have the discussions needed to stay connected and make the relationships last.

Communication Solutions:

o   Speak your mind: This means trusting yourself enough to be vulnerable in the relationship and share with your partner what is on your mind. It’s essential you speak up so you and your partner can be on the same page.

o   Be receptive: When a person speaks their mind and it isn’t received well, it can be discouraging for open communication in the future. Even in difficult situations its important to maintain respect and listen to what the other has to say. This gives you the ability to have a full understanding so you can work as a team to solve them.

Problem Solving:

Different personality types can create a wide range of responses when it comes to solving problems. Some people cope with avoidance, anger defensiveness, blame, etc. The method in which problems are handled can either strengthen or weaken the relationship.

Problem Solving Solutions:

o   Stay on topic: When problems arise they can often trigger past conflicts and create a bigger problem. Discuss the present issue with the intentions of resolving it and instead of strengthening your argument.

o   Agree to disagree: There will be things that you and your partner have different views on. You don’t have to sacrifice your values or what you think is right. Accept the difference in opinion so you can reach an emotional closure.

o   Work together: An argument shouldn’t become a battle of who wins or loses. Work together and encourage yourself to grow to a point where obstacles become lessons and problems in your relationship become a signal for teamwork.

Poor Sex Life:

Even couples that have a great emotional relationship can have completely different needs when it comes to sex. A good sex life is open to discussion and meets the needs of both people. Studies have shown that a good sex life is considered to contribute to about 20% of a happy relationship. But a bad sex life is said to contribute about 70% of an unhappy relationship. Meaning that a bad sex life has a much bigger impact on the connection.

Solutions For a Better Sex Life:

o   Express your needs: If you’re not feeling fulfilled in your sexual relationship with your partner, that void will just increase. Express what you’re needs and have a continuous open dialogue.

o   Be open-minded: Sex someone you love is a very intimate and vulnerable experience that allows you to love your partner in a physical way. Be open to new experiences, this helps foster the spark in your connection and keep the excitement alive.

o   Seek a therapist. A bad sex life could have an underlying problem that may need the help of a therapist or sex counselor to help discover what it is.

Relationships can bring the greatest joy you’ve ever known, but they take work.  If you consider the tips above, tune into your partner, and allow yourself to be vulnerable; you have the formula for what it takes to make your relationship last. 

Still feeling a little "Crazy-in-love?" Contact a therapist and book a session TODAY!

Jada Jackson  M.S., M.A., LMHC, NCC
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Author, Talk Show Host, Life Coach and Communicator